The day I want to forget

Sunset at Timber Cove Inn
Sunset at Timber Cove Inn

It was two years ago on Wednesday night, June 27, 2012, a summer night much like tonight, that my boyfriend called to dump me over the phone. We have never spoken since, but he did keep my belongings and never returned them to me, which to this day still bewilders me. The last contact was a check he mailed to me for an airline change fee for a ticket I had booked to visit him. Not ever having contact again was my choice and I stand firm in that decision. Anyone who doesn’t have the courage to face me after the end a 15+ year relationship does not deserve anything else from me.

So why can’t I forget this two years later? God knows I have tried and am trying. I just had a four-week assessment with my chiropractor Monday of this week and I still have not stabilized, so I have started another four weeks of sessions. In our assessment session, we revisited questions she had asked me on my first visit: happiness, stress, sleep, mobility, etc. The question with which I have made no progress is how loved I feel. My perception of feeling loved remains the same. I believe that my physical progress is being inhibited my inability to move beyond the aforementioned loss of love. I have not gone on a date, nor had a relationship in two years. Love has not been replicated in my life.

During my sessions, my body has improved, but not without setbacks. I can feel the back and forth both physically and emotionally. When I have a very powerful session, my mood dramatically improves. The mind-body connection is real and has never been more real to me than during these past four or five weeks as I open myself physically and emotionally to change and improvement.

Tonight’s chiropractic affirmation was “Love and forgive yourself.” I do love myself. I believe I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am proud of my resiliency and ability to survive in the world alone, so it’s not self-love with which I am struggling, it’s my perception of being loved by others after the most painful rejection of my life.

It begs the question of you, anyone who reads this. How do I let go and stop allowing him to enter my thoughts and preventing my progress? Can I release my thoughts through my continued chiropractic care? Are there other methods of release I can try? I am exercising more and trying out yoga. Anything else for a gal on a budget in California? Let me know in the comments.

Love,
Beth

4 thoughts on “The day I want to forget

  1. Elizabeth, having gone through a breakup in 2011, when my life partner and business partner came home from an industry event to tell me that he’d been having an affair with a much younger mutual friend…at that point, I walked away from him and our winery. Losing both my stature as a winemaker—my job, my community and my sense of identity—I can only impart the following. Give yourself time and space to grieve. As much as you need. Only you can be the judge of how much time you will need. Take hold of the notion that you are okay alone. You are a complete being. Any relationship you have is not one that will complete you, rather it is one that will compliment you. All relationships end in one way or another. Love yourself. You are it baby. Here’s what I know: when you fully embrace and love yourself, others will love you too. Hope this helps. C.

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  2. Thank you so much, Christine. I am feeling better every day, but I know I haven’t gotten completely past it all. I do know that I am it and have done a pretty good job of being it so far.

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  3. Having ended my marriage to what I then thought was the love of my life after his abuse, cheating and drug addiction, I was devastated walking away with a two year old son. But I gave myself time, lots of time…. years actually to spend alone, with my children, with my friends. To heal and to learn how to appreciate being alone. I don’t think I would have met my true soulmate until I healed from the past hurts and scars completely. But I also stopped thinking about the past…. stopped dwelling on the things that hurt that I couldn’t change or understand. I truly had to let go and let God. Once I did that, took the time to appreciate my time alone, I then met someone but it was nearly 8 years later. God is preparing someone for you too. Just not on your time table, on His.

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  4. Tristan, I know you are right. I wrote this to let go. I will never understand why everything happened the way it did, but I know in my heart it was in order for me to grow and move forward with some dreams of which he did not approve. The irony is that my dreams were so that I could move to NY and be with him. However, God led me in another direction in order to pursue my passion and my ex was not part of the plan. I do know this. I also know that this is a long process, that I just can’t forget about 15 years of my life. Patience is not my strong suit and I’m ready now to allow love back into my life.

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