It was two years ago on Wednesday night, June 27, 2012, a summer night much like tonight, that my boyfriend called to dump me over the phone. We have never spoken since, but he did keep my belongings and never returned them to me, which to this day still bewilders me. The last contact was a check he mailed to me for an airline change fee for a ticket I had booked to visit him. Not ever having contact again was my choice and I stand firm in that decision. Anyone who doesn’t have the courage to face me after the end a 15+ year relationship does not deserve anything else from me.
So why can’t I forget this two years later? God knows I have tried and am trying. I just had a four-week assessment with my chiropractor Monday of this week and I still have not stabilized, so I have started another four weeks of sessions. In our assessment session, we revisited questions she had asked me on my first visit: happiness, stress, sleep, mobility, etc. The question with which I have made no progress is how loved I feel. My perception of feeling loved remains the same. I believe that my physical progress is being inhibited my inability to move beyond the aforementioned loss of love. I have not gone on a date, nor had a relationship in two years. Love has not been replicated in my life.
During my sessions, my body has improved, but not without setbacks. I can feel the back and forth both physically and emotionally. When I have a very powerful session, my mood dramatically improves. The mind-body connection is real and has never been more real to me than during these past four or five weeks as I open myself physically and emotionally to change and improvement.
Tonight’s chiropractic affirmation was “Love and forgive yourself.” I do love myself. I believe I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am proud of my resiliency and ability to survive in the world alone, so it’s not self-love with which I am struggling, it’s my perception of being loved by others after the most painful rejection of my life.
It begs the question of you, anyone who reads this. How do I let go and stop allowing him to enter my thoughts and preventing my progress? Can I release my thoughts through my continued chiropractic care? Are there other methods of release I can try? I am exercising more and trying out yoga. Anything else for a gal on a budget in California? Let me know in the comments.